I first heard this word on a children's TV show where one of the contestants had to ruin the chances of winning for the others and the other players had to guess who the saboteur was. But this post is about the kind of person who is intent on destroying their own and others' hopes of a good relationship in a subtle, often subconscious way.
I was a Saboteur.
I had never been in a relationship before Adam, and yet books and movies had given me enough preconceptions of what a relationship should be like and what I wanted mine to be like.
As with most girls, I wanted a fairytale Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet and who I would fall completely in love with.
I was also a strict believer in "Treat them mean, to keep them keen" - a rather archaic belief which doesn't actually work in real life. I was often horrible to Adam. I would ignore him around my friends, I would pretend I hadn't seen him so that HE would have to come and find me afterwards.
But soon after the relationship ended and the haze faded, I stopped blaming myself, because I was just learning. It was a mistake, and one which I knew I would never make again.
Everyone deserves to be treasured. We all arrived on this earth as free human beings, to love and be loved. I did not know that I had to share my love to be loved in return.
People often quote that they didn't realise they were falling in love, until they were already in too deep. I was too. I was resisting any attempt fate made to make me fall in love. I was mean, but I just wanted to be loved back.
I also learnt another important lesson:
No-one knows what you want until you tell them.
People may be able to guess how you are feeling, but it is only a guess until you tell them one way or another.
Communication is one of the biggest barriers and bridges to successful relationships. It is about being open and vulnerable enough to let someone in, but being aware of your boundaries and red flags.
In my past relationships, romantic and otherwise, I have often relied on people being able to tell how I am feeling and then taking appropriate action. But everyone needs a helping hand to get inside your head.
Communication is a choice. We choose to give people the opportunity to understand our feelings and emotions and to convey how we should be treated.
As I have stated in earlier posts, we often accept the love we think we deserve and this is our chance to preserve the best love we want by communicating.
Let them know that you will accept nothing less than being the only one. You will accept nothing less than being treasured and cherished. You will accept nothing less than love, trust and respect.
Don't play the saboteur in your relationship by refusing to communicate.