Friday 12 April 2013

Being afraid of the future



I am happy to be the first to put my hand up and say that I am guilty of being absolutely petrified of the unknown - the future.

When I first ended my last relationship, it wasn't that I enjoyed the mind-games, the physical abuse, the emotional torture or that I missed the friendship that made me go running straight back to him, but the fear of there never being anything better for me out 'there'.

By there I didn't just mean the sphere beyond him, but ever. I didn't believe that I would ever fall in love again or find someone who makes me happy if I let him leave. I believed that me and him had too much in common, and I had spent too long with him to let all my love, emotions, dreams and hopes go to waste.

I was also worried that if I accepted that we were not going anywhere, I would have wasted all that time I spent with him. Precious time from my life would have been worthless.

But then I started to wake up.


Eventually you have to wake up and see reality without the haze.

I took a long, clear look at the relationship, and tried to assess my situation without the confusion and cloudiness surrounding it. This meant that I did a relationship inventory of all the things that were good and all the things that were bad and forced myself to decide.



I will let you in on a secret: I never did decide for sure whether the relationship was worth it or not. One day, I realised that I had simply had enough of the pain, the mind-games and the abuse and I wanted out.

When you are looking to end a relationship or just wondering where the relationship is going, the first step is to step back from everything that is happening and look at the bigger picture. Sure, it is a cliche, but it is true.

Take a break from the current drama or fight that is engulfing your energy and think about everything that has happened over the course of the relationship.


For me, a good starting point was when a male friend, who was undoubtedly fed up of me going on and on about how I just couldn't give up something so good, asked me to list all the 'amazing' things about my ex boyfriend. These were the things  of the past which led me to forgive all his mistakes in the present.

I wrote them all down and I realised how short the list was. And I had also repeated myself many times in different ways:

  • He understands me
  • He likes the same things as me
  • He listens to me
They were all slightly different ways of saying: we get along very well or that we connect.

Then my friend asked me to write down all the bad things and I realised that the second list was much longer and more detailed. Maybe the first list meant more to me, but the reality said otherwise.

So though I was afraid of the future, the present just wasn't good enough to justify the fear.

Imagine that you were so terrified of never having anything better in the future that you decided to stay in the relationship. Then your future will not get any better than your present! You are deciding to put up with the familiar pain rather than gamble on the possibility of a better future.

The only way to cure this fear is to understand what is causing it. It could be a whole book's worth of reasons. Some examples are:
  • The relationship is bad most of the time, but when it is good, it is really good - the pain is worth the good times
  • If I give up on him and he goes running off to another girl and then finally becomes a perfect guy, I would have missed out
  • What if I just run from a bad relationship to a worse one?
  • There are no good guys left anyway, so might as well put up with him

And this is my time to tell you that ALL these reasons are wrong. They do not justify your fear. Pain is never going to be worth the good times because you have to get through the pain every time. You will not be able to enjoy the good times as much because you'll be thinking "It's time for pain after this".

If he becomes the perfect guy with another girl, then let him! YOU should not be the one suffering through his inability to mature. Also, in my experience, I have found that guys don't simply become "perfect" or even "better" unless they want to and take positive action. So, if he hasn't wanted or tried to become the good guy for you in the however many years you gave him, he won't do it for you. 

And have you considered the possibility that YOU might become the perfect person in another relationship? That there might be someone out there who brings out all the best in you? Perhaps someone who supports your dreams instead of demanding you to support them all the time?

There IS a possibility that you may run from a bad relationship to another bad one. But this possibility will be tiny (if not zero) if you have learnt your lessons from the last relationship. 

If you have woken up and smelt the dumdum stench and realised that you don't want another one like him. It is your choice to decide not to settle for another fool.

If you really think there are no good guys left, then you haven't tried. The fact that I had a horrible experience with one guy led me to see that there were many male friends who would never do that to a girl. They DO exist. And they are waiting for that someone special, just like you are.

Having said all this, it is important to realise that our fear of the future is rational. After all, we are only human. Fear of the unknown is not unusual, especially when you are leaving your comfort zone.

But the strength to face that fear comes from the belief that you will not settle for anything less than you deserve.

One of my favourite quotes is: "We accept the love we think we deserve."

If you are accepting poor love, you think you deserve it. So it is time to recognise your true worth and demand that you be treated right. It is hard to step out of a difficult relationship, but if you have thought it through and hit the point where you may not be sure if it's the right choice, but you want out - take the chance.

The day I realised I had had enough, I cut all contact with the ex and started No Contact. It hurt, but it gave me the push I needed to start believing that I needed to make a better future happen, the present just wasn't enough.


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