As I have mentioned in my previous posts, my first relationship ended when I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me while I was on holiday. Though I was devastated at the time and then diagnosed with depression, looking back, I learnt some valuable lessons about cheating.
1. It's them, not you
For a long time I believed that I was the reason he had cheated. That there was something fundamentally wrong with me to drive him to cheating. I hadn't told him I loved him and I had probably not satisfied him in many many ways.
But I soon realised that it actually had absolutely nothing to do with my flaws (and there are many!). It was all about him and his insecurities.
The reason why a someone cheats is essentially down to their selfishness and uncaring nature. Beware of the dumdum who tries to point the finger at you. He is NOT trying to give you a valid reason, but he is simply trying to get you to question your actions so that you may overlook his. This is a neon-flashing-lights warning that he needs to go. Now.
In my case, I believe it came from his inability to believe that he could ever be good enough for me.
I was partly to blame for that, but nothing I did or could have done should have driven him to cheating. Which leads me to the second point.2. Nothing justifies cheating
Sure, there are common circumstances between many incidents which are later labelled as cheating. Some are:
"I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing."
"She pushed herself on me. I didn't make a move."
"YOU were unfaithful too."
"I wanted to be loved. I needed to feel wanted and she gave me that."
"It was just the heat of the moment."
If you are the person cheating, beware of trying to pass off your lack of morals for these excuses. They just don't justify anything.
If the other person really loved and respected you (see the posts on essential relationship values) then they wouldn't have been so quick to let it all go. And no matter how drunk the person is, they know what they are doing.
So stop trying to find reasons for their actions and realise that there is NO possible excuse (apart from maybe that they were abducted by aliens and told that the Earth would be blown up if they didn't cheat and even that can be debated) which will make it 'okay' to cheat.
I spent hours, days, and months trying to find reasons and explanations, but even the ones I did find seemed feeble, simply because no explanation exists. There is no checklist available to tell you that if he one or more of the boxes are ticked then his reasons are valid.3. You deserve better
I thought that I would never find anyone like my boyfriend, but I think that every woman out there deserves someone who is crazy about them and faithful.
I found it very very very difficult to let go and kept running back multiple times, until it just clicked that I didn't deserve this 'attempt' at love. I didn't deserve to be an option for someone.
If you think that there is nothing better out there then you need a serious reality check, because cheaters are definitely a minority. Most sane, loving guys know that they only need the love of ONE good woman rather than free access to the lady-parts of twenty.
You also deserve the peace and security that comes from a healthy, well-functioning relationship. No, it is not normal to keep tabs on your boyfriend every time he pops out.
It is NOT okay to have to snoop through his emails, phone, Facebook, because that is simply low. You shouldn't have to degrade your own dignity to have to make sure he doesn't cheat again.
4. She is not any more beautiful or better in any way to you
When I was despairing over what she had that I didn't or oscillating between "what a whore!" and "Poor girl, he's playing her too", I didn't see that it wasn't about comparing myself to her.
She wasn't giving him what I gave him, she was just different. A golden rule is to not compare your exes to your current guy, in the same way, when guys cheat with a woman, they don't choose her on the basis of "Needs to be better than my girlfriend at x, y, z".
As difficult as it may be to believe, sometimes it is just about the first girl who will let them have a go. And in NO way does it lower who YOU are.
I spent hours in front of a mirror judging every part of me and often collapsing into tears because I couldn't see my beauty and believed that I was ugly enough for no-one to want me, but it is NOT TRUE. You are beatiful enough for him to want you in the beginning and for another man to want you in the future.5. Once a cheat, always a cheat
This point is something of a controversial one and I can only comment on what my understanding of the situation has been.
I found that though I wanted to get back together and give my ex boyfriend another chance to prove his love and his faithfulness, he just wasn't willing to do so.
Most men who cheat enjoy the thrill, the love, the "sex without strings attached" and the drama of the chase too much to just be willing to change in the aftermath of being found out. I believed that if he loved me enough, he would change, but it isn't about love. It is about their grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side attitude.
Unless he is willing to put in substantial effort and commit to undergoing therapy immediately to rectify whatever self-esteem issues led to him cheating, it is unlikely he will change and as women we need to be strong enough to accept that.
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