Monday 8 April 2013

The essential relationship values (part 1)




In this series of posts, I will look into the different values that are important for a relationship to have. In my time with different men I have realised that without these the relationship lacks the basic solidity to flourish. 

Note, that I say essential and not desirable. Desirable values often vary from person to person. While it may be desirable for some ladies that the man is at least 6ft tall, it is not (gasp!) an essential value without which the relationship will not survive.


So, the first most important relationship value is trust.


I started off with this because this is the most important value in any relationship: romantic or otherwise. 


In my first relationship, I didn't even consider trust to be valuable. I believed that trust would grow with the relationship and eventually I'll be willing to trust the guy completely.


But that is not how it works. Trust is the basis that the entire future of the relationship is built on and so it is important that it exists before we decide to take the leap into a relationship. You build trust during the dating or friendship phase with your prospective boyfriend or girlfriend.



  • Were they trustworthy when you were friends with them? 
  • Did you trust them to make sure you got back safely on the first few dates?

If the trust isn't there in the beginning, it is extremely difficult to build it up later on. If you decide to draw a line as to when you will be willing to trust the person, it is hard to know where that line is. Do you trust them if once you sleep with them? Once they propose? Whatever your limit, if you start off with a preconceived idea of trusting them in the future rather than now, it will be hard to convince yourself when the time will be right.

I found that when I wasn't willing to trust him, he felt it. It was often the case of trying to predict whether or not we were compatible before I would trust him and it was a sure sign of trouble.


Eventually the relationship broke down because neither of us trusted the other. I didn't trust him because he proved himself to be untrustworthy when I realised he had cheated on me. And his own insecurities meant that he never felt 'good enough' for me, which led him to cheat in the first place.


If he knew I trusted him, perhaps he would have been more willing to not betray my trust, but that's a different post all together.



Another important aspect of trust is that it is extremely delicate.


After finding out my boyfriend was cheating, I decided to give him another chance to prove that he loved me. But even when he broke contact (or so he said) with the other girls, I couldn't stop the uneasiness creeping in every single time he was away for the night or at a party.


It is vital that trust is not broken because it can never be the same as it was.



Once we suspect someone, the uneasy feeling remains in our consciousness. We can forgive someone, but it is extremely hard to forget what happened.


For a relationship to succeed trust needs to be valued and consistent. It is (almost) impossible for people to come back from a place of being hurt and deceived and be as open hearted as they were before.


It is also important to base trust on the reality of the relationship. By no means am I suggesting that you blindfold yourself and trust everything the person does, no matter how long you have been friends or you have dated that person for.

Trust should be based on the person's actions, not their words. When you have decided to invest your trust, the actions of the other person should be based on a healthy level of respect for your decision to trust them. In my relationship I often trusted my boyfriend with my secret dreams and fears, yet I often found that he didn't cater to these. My decision to trust him with such information should have led to him being considerate of those particular ideas. If you don't see a resulting effect from your decision to offer your trust, you need to question why.


Trust is an ability which only healthy individuals possess. 

If you're finding it difficult you trust, it may mean that you're not ready for a relationship. I know that I was overly cautious when I first started dating after the break-up. Every time a date referred to another 'pretty girl' I would start questioning his motives. If this is you then STOP. Take the time to regain the ability to trust before you decide to pursue a relationship.

Click here for part 2.


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