In the first part, I explained that the most important relationship value (for any relationship, romantic or otherwise) is trust. This is the solid foundation on which the rest of the relationship values, and the relationship itself relies on.
The second essential relationship value is respect.
While respect may mean slightly different thing to different people, here I use respect as valuing the other person, their thoughts, opinions, abilities, body, and life. Basically, respecting them in their entirety.
Respect is an essential value because it allows the two people in the relationship to believe that each person wants the best for the other.
Respect for thoughts and opinions does not necessarily mean that you must agree with your other half in all arguments.
You are allowed to disagree, but you need to respect their right to have their own beliefs and principles.
It means being open minded to others' having views that may clash with yours, but agreeing to disagree in a friendly way.
I found that me and most of the guys I was with enjoyed heated debates about almost everything from politics to the colour co-ordination of an outfit, but it worked well only when we were both able to understand that the point of the debate wasn't to force the other person to see our point of view, but to perhaps show them that there are other points of view possible.
If, like me, you enjoy persuading people to see why your way is probably the best way, then respect meant knowing your limit and not pushing the boundaries in an offensive manner. I have to confess that I have always toed the line when it comes to this.
Respect for a person's ability means to realise that there is no such thing as perfection.
Being of reasonably average intellect, I would often get annoyed when my boyfriend couldn't understand simple things or lacked basic general knowledge. But whatever your talent is, might not be the other person's. He was an incredible tennis player though, and I sucked at tennis.
In a relationship, it is important to measure every person only against themselves.
This also means (for everyone who does this!) that you don't compare them to your exes! Yes, it is true that the new guy might not have the six-pack you can slice a carrot on, but he is who he is. As tempting as it may be, it is a sign of respect to the guy to give him the opportunity to be his own man rather than trying to stuff him into the mould of your ex.
Sex and physical attraction is an important part of most relationships, but it respect for the other person's body means valuing their choices.
It means that the guy listens to you in bed. It means that he respects your decision to wait until you are in a relationship before you sleep with him. And it means that under NO circumstances would there be any physical abuse.
A friend recently complained about a guy she had gone on a date with. They ended up in the hotel at night after a 'incredible' date where they had got along superbly well and 'felt like we'd known each other for years!' But then he proceeded to ignore her directions in bed.
She spent the next day very sore and decided that she simply couldn't see him again as more than a friend.
One of the main areas of respect for your body is the physical treatment you receive. If the guy pushed you around, he doesn't respect you. If he doesn't know that he hurt you because "he isn't aware of his own strength" (yes, I've heard this excuse) then tell him. If it happens even when you've told him, get out.
Without respect, you can't trust the guy to care for you. How can you feel safe with someone who doesn't care? If the person doesn't respect your opinions or another aspect of your life, such as your religion or background, how can you be sure that he is compatible with you?
I am by no means suggesting that you must date within your own race, but the person should be respectful of your heritage. It is a part of you.
When I broke up with my boyfriend I found out that he had been talking to his friends and family about me in an offensive way. He joked about my background and called me names. Then when he wanted to get back together, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that this guy had made a complete fool of me in front of the people he loved. I no longer had the respect of the people he was with and that meant I didn't feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Respect is also the basis for a secure future.
If you have children, would you want them to see you as a secondary human being in your own home? How can you expect respect from your children if they see you being treated without respect from others, especially their father?
To be treated with respect, you need to demand respect from everyone. It's not about being arrogant and stuck-up, but about knowing your worth and believing that you deserve to be respected in the relationship.
Click here for part 3.
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