Would you like to beat your brain with a iron hammer every other second?
No, you're not reading the local Maniacs-R-Us news, but it is exactly what you are doing when you keep obsessing about your ex.
I am guilty too. I have spent hours fantasising about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. I have stalked his Facebook within an inch of my life and found every possible way of tricking my friends to reveal more about him after specifically demanding that I did not want to hear his name.
It was the edge that meant I was struggling to move on from a year long relationship, a year after we broke up. It meant that I was stuck in a rut between a rock and a hard place and it was all because of me.
I asked myself many questions which all ran along the lines of:
- What is he doing now?
- Who is he doing it with?
- Does he still miss me?
- Does he think about me nearly as much as I think about him?
- Does he want me back?
- Has he changed?
- Will he take me back? Will he contact me?
I spent many a fine summers day pondering the meaning of love and what it had meant in our relationship - nothing. I wondered, cried, screamed, drank and became depressed.
I was eager to know about what he was doing, but every time I found out what it was, it hurt. It hurt to know that he was now searching for his soulmate in another girl. It hurt that he had moved on so quickly.
But more than anything, it hurt that I had just stalled my recovery by finding out more news about him.
The more time you spent unpicking the old scabs of "what went wrongs" the longer they will take to heal.
I noticed that every time I stopped myself focusing on him, the better I felt. I was free to think other influential thoughts which were all about being good to me. I dreamt about the perfect job and all the activities I wanted to try. I focused on what I wanted to do rather than what he was doing.
It is important for us to realise that those who choose to walk away from us are essentially giving up on us. They have made the decision that they are better off without us in their life and it is a decision made with full consciousness, so why must we chase?
If you have found it difficult to maintain No Contact and are obsessing about what your ex-dumdum is doing in every moment they are NOT contacting you, it means you are letting someone else be the hero in your story.
It prolongs the hurt.
You have to mentally remind yourself each time an unwelcome question about he-who-must-not-be-named sneaks into your head. Focus your energy away. Close your eyes and breathe. Then force yourself to think something else.
Eventually, your brain gets the message that it is a forbidden topic, and it remembers to forget.
It worked for me and I started noticing that I spent less time each day focusing on the past and more on living for the future. I cared less and wasted less time.
However, this is not the perfect formula. It is something that depends on the situation and the physical proximity to the ex-dumdum as well. It works only when you have started No Contact.
I have often asked other friends why they miss their good-for-nothing exes so much and it seems everyone is an expert on everyone else's problems. Everyone can see that the other person should not waste time on a useless boyfriend, but many people don't recognise that the mental torture they are putting themselves through is just a similar place to be.
I am happy to give advice to the outside world at times when I am often hurting. But it is also about sharing the little wisdom I have learnt.
It is time to let go of the things that make you sad and just be happy.
