The saboteur

I first heard this word on a children's TV show where one of the contestants had to ruin the chances of winning for the others and the other players had to guess who the saboteur was. But this post is about the kind of person who is intent on destroying their own and others' hopes of a good relationship in a subtle, often subconscious way.

I was a Saboteur.

I had never been in a relationship before Adam, and yet books and movies had given me enough preconceptions of what a relationship should be like and what I wanted mine to be like. 

As with most girls, I wanted a fairytale Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet and who I would fall completely in love with.

I was also a strict believer in "Treat them mean, to keep them keen" - a rather archaic belief which doesn't actually work in real life. I was often horrible to Adam. I would ignore him around my friends, I would pretend I hadn't seen him so that HE would have to come and find me afterwards.

But soon after the relationship ended and the haze faded, I stopped blaming myself, because I was just learning. It was a mistake, and one which I knew I would never make again.

Everyone deserves to be treasured. We all arrived on this earth as free human beings, to love and be loved. I did not know that I had to share my love to be loved in return.

People often quote that they didn't realise they were falling in love, until they were already in too deep. I was too. I was resisting any attempt fate made to make me fall in love. I was mean, but I just wanted to be loved back.

I also learnt another important lesson:

No-one knows what you want until you tell them.

People may be able to guess how you are feeling, but it is only a guess until you tell them one way or another.

Communication is one of the biggest barriers and bridges to successful relationships. It is about being open and vulnerable enough to let someone in, but being aware of your boundaries and red flags.

In my past relationships, romantic and otherwise, I have often relied on people being able to tell how I am feeling and then taking appropriate action. But everyone needs a helping hand to get inside your head.

Communication is a choice. We choose to give people the opportunity to understand our feelings and emotions and to convey how we should be treated.

As I have stated in earlier posts, we often accept the love we think we deserve and this is our chance to preserve the best love we want by communicating. 

Let them know that you will accept nothing less than being the only one. You will accept nothing less than being treasured and cherished. You will accept nothing less than love, trust and respect.

Don't play the saboteur in your relationship by refusing to communicate.

One Last Chance

Sometimes, I think the only way I can help someone is by telling them how the rest of my story played out.

I initiated NC in december last year. We both broke it multiple times until June this year, when I lost my job and I left the company. I was out of his life completely unless he wanted to seek me.

I also knew by that time that he had many many women on the go on the sidelines and he always would, so I decided to spend my summer alone with him. I was pretty busy with family over the summer so I didn’t get a chance to meet him even if I wanted to.

Then September came and I was all on my own. I started missing him desperately. I got exceedingly sick and unwell because I wanted him so badly. So I decided that I needed to know what page he was on “one last time” (see where I’m going with this?).

I knew I was wrong and I was scared about what would happen, but I emailed him anyway.

Guess what? Nothing had changed. He welcomed me back as his whore. He wanted nothing more and could give me nothing more. He wanted an all or nothing situation.

I had always thought that if he really wanted to be with me, he would find a way. And I am sure he would. If he was ready to put the effort in, he would do it. I’m sure he would. But he isn’t. I have lost everything I had for this one guy and I don’t even have anything to show for it except a badly bruised life.

Since that incident I have re-initiated NC and this time I’m keeping it strict. No more chances.

Honey, you have a limited time on this earth. We all do. Isn’t it better to hold onto the hope that there will be something better in the future rather than staying stuck in the past?

As I write this, I am struggling too. I wonder if I’ll contact him in another year under the pretext of “one last time”. But instead of the “one last time” I should be thinking, “no more chances”. We need to push through the pain because there is NO coming back from “one last chances”.

If he really wanted to be there, he would be. If he isn’t, then you’re free to be whoever you want to be.

Imagine the situation where you desperately wanted to be with someone: you would keep going back no matter what, right? If he REALLY wanted you, honey, he would be right there on your doorstep on his knees. Have you checked the front door yet?

I suggest you go and open the door. If he isn’t there, it’s because he doesn’t want to be.

I didn’t respond to my ex’s twisted emails about how he couldn’t live without me because I didn’t feel like there was any need to. I had heard it all already.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t reply, because he will keep on trying (if he wants you back). Maybe when you’re over him and he is STILL trying, you might want to see if you could be friends (I advice against, but it apparently works for some). But this is FAR FAR into the future. And I think this guy will be long gone by then.

I was so angry (and still sometimes am) about how I was treated and in disbelief about many things that had happened. But it happened anyway. You should feel these emotions, but know them for what they really are.

There is no such thing as a last chance.

That chance is always there and it always will be. It is up to you to take it. It is not about "our" last chance, but YOUR last chance. Your life is your last chance to live how you want.

Before I had even finished reading his email, I knew that it would give me nothing new. Not a day has gone by when I don't think of him, but it doesn't hurt anymore and I am finally starting to consider the possibility of a relationship in the future.

It may be difficult now, but I now have the belief that it will only get better from here on.